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I haven't updated in donkey years.
by ana (ugly_letters)
at July 5th, 2006 (07:38 pm)

current mood: contemplative

It is Wednesday afternoon and the sun is being generous with its light. It isn’t too hot, well I guess the sun decided to be nice today. Today is a good day.

I’ve set up my laptop on my dressing table, gladly accompanied by cosmetics, infinity bottles of pimple cream, a Gillette shaver, perfume bottles and other things. I’ve never sat on this chair before. It is soft and lumpy, and just big enough to accommodate my wobbly bottom. The table here is so messy, but I care not. I don’t care about a lot of things.

I can hear crickets and little sparrows chirping outside. I don’t know if it’s like this everyday; I’ve never sat beside the window before. Today is different. Today I’m at my dressing table beside my window. Today I will let the sun touch my skin. Today I will listen to the orchestra of birds and crickets. Today I will love the wind and not care how it messes up my hair. Today I feel good, and it is all that matters.

I’ve just finished watching Under The Tuscan Sun. It hit close to home.

The way my life is going, I am in danger of never recovering. If I keep blaming myself over things, I am never going to change, and my life will never change. I will still be the old boring person who lives in an old cardboard box, wearing giant knickers and utterly heartbroken. I don’t want to die being eaten by cockroaches.

Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

All my life I’ve been trying to grow up. I don’t want to grow up this fast. I don’t remember myself being a child. I’d like to be able to climb trees and eat ice-cream and not care if I look stupid. Just trying not to look stupid is taking up much of my time, and I know I could’ve done so many things if I used that time spending on caring whether I look stupid or not, on other things. I would like to climb a tree, run naked in a waddling pool, or catch ladybugs, without have the fear of looking stupid.

Everybody’s moved on, and I am still here. It is frustrating to walk on and on, but finding yourself in the same spot again. I’ve been here before. I’ve been so high that I felt that I could fly. I’ve felt this good and written this speech over and over again. But usually the next day I would feel low again, as if this depression has taken hold of me and I cannot escape from it. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to walk that dark and lonely road again.

Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present.

There are thoughts that have been lingering, something like, ‘If I never did this, then I wouldn’t be…’, ‘You know, I shouldn’t have done that,’ and ‘I could’ve been/done…’

I mean, who cares shit about that? I don’t have to care about what I should’ve done and what I shouldn’t have done. Hey, I did it, it’s sad, and then it is over, so I have to move on. What I’m currently doing is blaming myself over a lot of things and saying horrible things to myself like, ‘If I didn’t eat so much, I wouldn’t be like this’ and ‘if I knew friendship, I wouldn’t be so lonely all the time,’ and ‘Ana, you are so ugly, you really need to die.’

I am typing this while tearing off a wrapper of a bar of chocolate with my teeth. I shouldn’t have to care about what I put in my mouth. A bar of chocolate wouldn’t kill me. I don’t have to weigh myself 10 times a day to see if I’ve dropped any kilos. It’s a hard thing to tell myself that, and it takes a lot of effort to believe. I am worth it, so says my brain, but my heart says I am not. I feel like trash, worthless and unredeemable. You know, I would say, I wish I could change that inner voice, and I want to change that inner voice, but never, I WILL change that inner voice. And even if I said I WILL, I wouldn’t do it. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m actually afraid of the sun, but I’ll take my chances today.

I think, Alexander said, ‘Conquer your fear, and I promise you'll conquer death.’ I suppose if you conquer your own fears, you can conquer everything. I’m afraid of so many things, I might have to make a list and strike them off one by one.

Everyone says friends are the greatest thing you could ever have. But I am a loner, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have friends that are true to me. I know some of you who read this will revolt and confront me with anger, saying, ‘I am your friend.’ Well then, I don’t believe you. (I’m referring to friends, as in friends that actually live in my country. )

I don’t go out much because I am pathetic and I don’t have friends. No, I am not pathetic. It’s just sad that people wasted their time getting to know me, and settling off for someone ‘better’. Well I don’t care anyway. I gladly open my arms to those who have left me in my darkest times to die, only to care about me until I become happy again.

Just to let you know my current situation right now, I am fat and ugly, I am very unhappy, I am starving to death(not literally, because I have enough fat to sustain me for another gazillion Godzilla years) ,because there is actually nothing healthy to eat around here, I hate myself, and I am going to die a mad and terrible death. But I am going to change that, and I will change. I don’t enjoy being a victim of my own mockery. I will not be an empty shell, so hollow and hopeless. I know there can be something more.

And so here end this speech. The light of the sun is fading, covered by the dark clouds that dominate the blue sky. It is a sign that despair should come to destroy me again, but I will not let it. Today I feel happy, and it is all that matters.

x-posted in my journal.